Thursday, October 17, 2013


It is weird again I dreamed of you last night. You come to me when I feel alone and empty, when I can't breathe or look ahead. You brush my hair and telling me "all it's gonna be ok..." You are out there, I know, I want to believe, but where? Sitting in the filled room looking trough every face I see, I feel in the middle of a stump, I am watching at the ceiling, where are you, come to me. I allure myself into faces, I want to believe I found you, yet quickly I find it is not really you. I feel I am getting close, my heart pounds faster every time. Show yourself! I let my guard down, I wanted to show you, my true self, but so many take advantage of it while I am waiting for you... Do you even know that? I do not want to let go! I want to believe it forever, something I dream of, something I hope for, so much to say. I am just so close, I feel it, believe me, if only the world knows about it... I do not want to dream of you anymore. I do not sleep in my bed at all, because when I lay in it, I dream of you laying next to me, watching me. I do not want to search for you, I am tired, but why I look trough faces, I still don't know. Why do I have those feelings for you, I don't even know you, nor where are you. I want to live my life, dance, smile, laugh and walk forward. I do all that and yet, there you come again when I haven't even thought about it. You brush my hair and tell me "all it's gonna be ok..." Be brave, give me a sign, show yourself, tell me the truth, or just walk away! I am keep making the first step and I am keep tripping, I just want to take the train and go away... Come with me, on this ride, look at the sun and the clouds making faces in the sky, stop coming into my dreams, I can't look at those sad eyes. I am day dreaming, I am happy where I am and who I become, but you missing from my life is just a pain that I carried with me all the way... Come away with me, it's gonna be alright, you'll see! Show your self, end that fear, look at me, come closer, say a word, hold my hand, it's perfectly fine. I don't know where you are, but just breathe, you don't have to be alone. I wish I had a light house and light the way for you, or just look at the stars, every time the moon shines full, I feel so much closer to you now.  What is the first thing you see when you open your eyes, what do you remember dreaming last night? I believe I was there with you, but you haven't found me yet, I am trying to find you, believe me, I am trying. Something is driving us on... Something inside us... If I don't find you, I hope you find me, as I am out there too. Don't gave in upon what you have and what you could have. Keep walking, out there, be brave, we are going to meet one day. 

Friday, October 4, 2013


Here I am again on chapter 1 being home alone. The time to analyze, the time to think, the time to change a few little things... You know I hate to say it, but my heart is broken once again. Not sure how I'll recover, not sure how much is left... but what I know is that it hurts. It hurts to not be heard, it hurts to not be appreciated it, it hurts to not be noticed and remain unknown. 
I must say one big thank you, you showed me how much people care and how much damn I should give about men. You punished me with silence and tell me I am vague when I try explain my feelings. I give you all I have and you did as well, so you can later just take it back away. You told me that you are a fighter, yet you fought just for yourself. Thank you for coming into my life not long ago and tell me I am not humble, thought I walked the longest roads in my life and everything I had I gave away. Thank you for showing me how cruel the world can be and reminding me that I am part of it. Thank you for gaining my trust and later butcher me exactly where I am hurt. Thank you for pushing me over the edge to tell you "I am sorry", "I feel bad" and "I am not perfect, I did wrong" when you never said a word for yourself. Thank you for telling me I was controlling when I had no part in your life and I couldn't even say a thing. Thank you for sharing your past women experiences and tell me how horrible they were so I could feel now the same and think you talk about me just as similar as your past tales. Thank you for letting me spend time with you when you showed me how you can be a man and you can play a stupid video game. I understand, believe me, I do, but you never will me. Thank you for saving my time at the end, that really helps me. You showed me so much I do wrong, that now I have to change. I gave too much, too fast- I overwhelmed. I cared too much, that brought fear. I asked a lots of questions, I became suspicious. I set goals for us, when you had none. I tried too hard to reach and talk- that brought anger. I stated my emotions- you became silent. I believed in us and anything is possible, when you haven't even saw "us" together. I read all signs around us, the very same you ignored. I guess thank you for leaving me home alone when you said no men left behind, oh wait, that was only for men equivalent or I actually never was one of "your men". I believe you had a good thing and you destroyed it, congratulations, you are a true soldier. 
Do not read this and get upset because of what I think, your actions towards me actually are the ones who made me feel. I forgive you though! Believe me I understand, but you will never listen, nor think, nor wish to change. Not change your personality, but the way you think or what you say, the way you handle things. I know, I believe you are a good man. I feel you're lost and of a need of someone who you can trust. You think you can do it all alone, but I haven't seen or heard anyone make it that way. You often die alone, not live alone. People are all around you...but you are home alone. Believe me I understand - you have no good words for me, I know. I know you can't fight for me and I am nobody to you. I know I asked from you too much to understand me, see me and maybe love me... And I will learn from my mistakes and never again apply them. Thank you for showing me how I need to work on me being a better soldier in life and not let anyone hurt me any more. Thank you for reminding me that people gave up on you, but you still have to go on. And maybe, just maybe one day in front of you, will be standing the one who will see you,hear you and understand you. Not only, but would want to walk with you the longest, hardest, funniest and shortest roads in life and not letting your hand go. But remember, I saw you and you were the one that let go!


I saw I have a draft here that I never posted, maybe it's about time to reveal some of my old thoughts and see if they've changed....

So I am sitting alone in the dark with a glass of wine. I promise I am not drunk, at least not yet...
I promise also I am not sad or broken!
I was thinking about my past, as sad as it was, there were so many moments that were good, that I miss, that I wish I relive it again. Don't you have moments like that, wishing you can turn the clock back and experience them again.
The moments I miss most is falling in love. That period of my life where I was foolish in love without thinking, without limits, so sweet, so strong and so emotionally crazy... I fell in love so many times, that I have no idea how my heart could of loved so many men... (of course not all at the same time). I was having hope and so much optimism that "this is the one"... And when looking back on that I ask myself how was that possible, so easy to happen and now is almost not existing. I don't think I changed at all, but I think the years changed the  men to something else... It is so hard to fall in love, you almost think that is impossible...
Back then was easy to meet someone, fall in love and build a future in your heads together of how life together would look like and be. Now it is hard to build that something on top of already build life... So I assume is hard to meet similar life to yours or another already build life that would fit with yours.
I remember how often I was hearing how beautiful I was and that made my world, now I hear it more often and I don't even know how to respond... I remember how sweet was to meet around the corner unexpectedly and steal a kiss from the love one, now that is not happening... First you have to call, then appoint a date and reserve a restaurant and blah blah and so on... You see there is no spontaneous acts at all. Before I had no expectations now I have some, to be a caring person, to be employed so I don't have to pick up the bill on my date every time, to be smart and not to embarrass me, to be loving father figure, to love animals and so much more... I don't know why is that, am I asking for too much? But there is so much I can give and all that I just said I am capable of giving, why that can't be from the opposite side as well? Am I looking for the perfect one or I should just saddle for the shmack one? Or maybe I am just looking for just the right one! I know who I am and I know what do I want, I am also not needy nor depend upon anyone. I am one independent woman and I can tell you right now, I can be alone. But if you want to be my partner, so be one!!!

Monday, September 23, 2013


I know it sounds unbelievable but you is who I've dreamed of. I was only 12 when I started seeing the same person over and over in my dreams, and each time was something more revealed to me. But the only thing was, you never talked. I wrote a book describing you and some of the details that you share are sometimes shocking, but it is a prove I have before I even met you. Somehow, finally faith or whatever you want to call it, met us and now I feel I never knew you thought I dreamed of you before. I touch you often, brushing your hair, wanting to hold your hand, because I still can not believe it is really you I've damned of. I talk to you for hours and I see how the same we are thought sometimes we are different. I saw a lots of images of you, some of them were scary. I saw you rising from a pile of bodies... Your face covered in someone else's blood, I saw you running trough a jungle and your heart rate bursts. I saw you screaming from the top of your longs, and being calm when killing. I saw you startling in your heavy dreams squeezing your gun closer to your body sleeping on the cold ground in unknown to you place. I saw you shivering from cold and dripping hot sweat, walking thirsty looking for a sign of life. I saw your worry thoughts on your face and a split second of wonder if you'd always be that alone and the same. 
I see you now! Believe me I do, I see the care and your big heart. I want to embrace you and hold you, I want to dream with you now. And I do dream... I dream of holding your hand and saying " now my life is complete I found you and we'll be safe". I dream of telling you I love you and nothing else matter. I dream of holding you trough the night when you have nightmares and whispering in your ear " you are home now, you are safe". I dream of waking every morning with you, reading the paper and drinking coffee while laughing away. I dream of you being with me seeing places old and new, running together, chasing the wind until we are out of breath. I know it sounds cheesy, but I dream of you laying next to me every night on time and kissing me goodnight. I dream of you seeing you smile every time you see me and I see you. Being spontaneous at times and be myself with you. I dream of you wanting me often... I dream and I dream...
I see on your face how much effort you put when you trying to change from being alone, to be with somebody today. You are doing an amazing job and ah how I wish to tell you I love you so much a thousand times a day. Every time you kiss me on your way out it's like a treasure to me. When I see the passion in your wild eyes, it drives me crazy, feeling so good. I am so attracted to you by body and mind, I wish I could tell you this with the strongest words I know equal to my feelings, but I feel I can't find them at all. To be with you makes me grow. Thought I've dreamed of you, I am still learning who you are now. And at times I misunderstand, but can you forgive me, I only knew an image of you not the reality you show. 
I admire you a lot, I often feel last in you while talking of the past. I see you watching with wonder the stars and craving to know more. How can I show you I am walking down on earth looking at you and wonder about you? How can I tell you I am next to you and I want you to hold me forever? I am asking a lot... But I feel happy when you do that, I feel complete and there is nothing more I need. When you look at me in the eyes, I feel warm and safe, when you hold me I become brave. When you brush against me it burns and I melt. How can I even tell you I fell for you, when you opened your world to me and said "welcome" and I feel at home? I don't want to leave, I want to be with you now and tomorrow and the day after and all...look at me know what I've become after walking alone searching for you... Can you see my strength and all? My passion and love? Is it too much for you? I can tell you haven't really felt it, it is new to me too...can be scary at times, but I want it all. I am not afraid anymore, when I am with you I know I can handle it all. Whatever I have I want to share with you, build and create more. Notice me who I am now, can you share your fears, wonders and passion with me too? Can you see yourself trough my eyes? I love you a bit more every day and it's like breathing air, do you think I want to stop? Can you feel the same and wake up one day and say " yes this is possible and I need you in my life as well"? Can you hug me like you I do feeling you can't ever let go?
No one belongs more in my heart then you I can assure you that. I don't have to be with you but I want to be us to be together. I am not at all out of your liege, I am here now, but do you want me to stay? I dream of saying to the world- he is the most handsome and he is mine, he is the right one for me and he is mine... I dream of you feeling the same one day...


To want some one in your life I find out is standing by so they all say. To need someone is not true, as we are humans and you need food, water, air and etc. But what if you need someone as much as water and food, air and etc.? I believe is possible as I already prove myself I could sacrifice water and food for someone I needed in my life and that was my family. If I have to stop breathing for someone I care dearly- believe me I would! Wouldn't you do the same?
It is hard to want to be with someone "hanging out" when that someone spends it's time on something else mean while you standing by and wait. You wait for that " just gonna take a second" which turned into an hour or more, to finish and see his face coming trough the door. Your eyes light up and a smile appears on your face, your " standing by" is over finally, but you just find out he is tired, it was too late. 
You standing by for the perfect moment to say " I love you" and when you do you want to be recognized as a believable statement, but you end up keep standing by. You shed tears quietly in bed standing by, and you become a problem being mopey all the time, you keep standing by. Ah, how you wish to touch him and kiss him everywhere, but it is so hard not knowing how he would react. You hear " only happens when I want" and you feel you doing something wrong... Hard man to love is standing by and it hurts at times, but what can you do else? How long would standing by last for you?
It is hard watching others being happy, holding hands, kissing and laughing along the road, happy pictures, you ask yourself, is this possible for me to be the same? Why do you have to even ask! You don't know the answer? 
I am standing by! Watching a hard man playing a video game... I am trying to understand, why is it so important to him and why so many wasted hours on it, when could be something else. You ask yourself is the game better than me? It relaxes him he says, but it's always the same. Is it possible to be addiction? He denies at once! Just like smoking maybe, it relaxes you, and it's sure hard to quit at once. You are so tired, not enough sleep, why play this game for hours? I am standing by, it hurts. Yes call me selfish, I would like to be noticed, more then once a day for two minutes. Yes I like to be close and I like to have space, and I believe I give so much space with this game and everything much more space do you need? Is it better to role play with other people for hours and just for an hour in real life with just one person or two? If you don't have addiction, why can't you give it up for a day or more? Can you stand by and wait to be noticed every day, every time by the one who you care for? It is hard I am telling you, hard man to love... I wonder if I can get use to do that forever? You want to be my friend, ask me what I feel, help me trough emotions, help me understand, tell me how you feel. Don't be upset when I do tell you though that sometimes it's hard for me, it is not easy to standing by. You say we are all different, true, but when you had a bad relationship before and you were doing everything alone, doesn't mean it's gonna be the same with this one. I was standing by all my life so far I've known, I don't want to do that for a lot more now. I am different. How can I even say that when you say there is nothing to talk about it sometimes? How can I make a difference in which world you living now? You call me Hun, you call every other woman Hun... Where are you now?
Talk to me, I am standing by, waiting for you, can't you see...? 

Saturday, September 14, 2013


I do know the fact that I am an actress, but when I am not on the set- it's just me. I do not entertain people, I have my own opinions, so I am sorry if you are one that doesn't want to hear any of mine. I know we often get upset, mad, even extremely angry, but when that happen to me I do not push away the people I care for. I try to sit down and listen, understand, their feelings and thoughts. I try hard to take criticism, other's opinions and advice.  That doesn't mean I will always do what other's say, but I do listen and I do hear every word. One kid will get upset and run into her/his room and slam the door, one adult, however, will sit down across and say "Ok, I am listening" or "Ok, I want to tell you what I think."
It is hard to understand adults these days. We lack of using communication and we often hurt the people around us, the people who love us, the people we care about. If we do not want to listen, we get annoyed, and kick them out of our lives, just because it's much easy not to deal with it at the moment, but later we repeat the same over and over with someone else. 
It hurts a lot to fight for someone who doesn't want to listen and seeks entertainment. I can entertain for so long, but I have my own feelings, emotions and thoughts. I react on other's behavior and it is hard to not be distant when the person in front of you is distant with you. 
We are not perfect, no one is, but I sit down and I want to admit my false, say "I am sorry", and forgive each other. Can you do the same?! When I know you so well, you do not have to show me first how big of a heart you have and how tender and loving you are, and than put a mask on and be defensive, someone totally different with me. It is hard for me already, I see how you straggle, and how much pain you have. You do not have to be a warrior with me, this is not a war between us. I am not a dog either, that you can get rid of so easy when you have a personality conflict with it, I am human being that walks and it's able to talk and listen to you.    
You let me in your house, you met me with your parents, you introduce me to your most precious thing in the world- your child, you let me in your life, and at the same time you want me leave my thoughts, emotions and everything that defines me at your door. You do not want me to say out loud my opinions. You do not want me to be involved in anything concerning your life, you do not want me to know anything. Maybe you should get a doll, they are pretty, and they do not think or talk. You can get them out when you want and put them away or throw them when you want. I didn't walk into your life to make you upset, mad or angry, I care about you, I open my world and arms for you and for everyone in your world. I embrace it with no fear and I care, ah, I care for it...
My understandings for relationship is being together, doing things together, face problems together, solve problems together, learn from each other, talk, feel, think, create together. When you want me to walk out of your house and life and you want to call me when you feel bored, feels not much of a relationship. When you tell me to go away when you are upset and not tell me a word more, is not communication, it is more breaking my heart. When you accuse me of doing wrong all the time when I am trying to do good and not even listen why I did what I did, is hard on me to understand. You can easy disappear for hours, days, no word until you call back and talk like nothing happened. It is hard to understand it, I do not know what is this called. But is hard for me to be a part of you and care, and at the same time, not to raise my voice. 
I do care, I always will, I have a heart, thought is broken every time you push me away. I see the little things, I see how you ignore my wishes, my desires, my thoughts, my feelings. I know is hard to deal with it, but I am a human being and if I wasn't one, I wouldn't feel, care, love you, nor think at all. You can just tell me that you do not look for a relationship, as painful as it will be for me, I will have to walk away and not be a part of you and your world. If you want to tell me how you feel and what do you want- I will be here for you and I will listen, I promise you that! But you have to do the same for me, and not get mad easy... You have to give some thoughts and tell me... See the good in me, not just the bad. It is easy to just look at the bad and "trash" me to another. Does that have any point at all? Try to see me in within and understand my heart, my feelings for you... Please, do try to understand how I care for you and let me be, instead of pushing me away. Try to see I never did you any harm or cheated on you. Please do try to listen and understand. I never told you what to do, nor what is right or what is wrong. See my heart and soul. 
I know you face treats most of your life, but can you see I am not a treat?! Can you see the colors in me and around me, the beauty, the life, can you? Can you let down your guard with me and show me yourself? Do you even want to do that? No one else has to know about it, just to me... Do you want to enjoy life with me and see the goodness and it's beauty? Do you want me to show you some at all? Do you want to be with me? If I am in a relationship, missing you would be my hobby, caring for you would be my job, making you happy would be my duty and loving you - would be my life! Do you want to be in a relationship with me?

I will be here...just let me know. 

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


And again here I am all alone, why I ask I don't know even how it happened by.
So this one lasted only 3 weeks of non stop talk every hour, every day. I was sure happiest I ever been but how and why you lie to me like that?! I want to curse , I sure want to scream and cry, but I simply can't. I can't deny my true feelings, I can't deny when I fall in love and I can't deny that is all I feel every time.  I just don't know why people screw with me, and not just rescue me... Lonely, lonely in my life. The last one said I am too much. How can you even say I am too much liking you or too much falling for you. Isn't that what everyone wants in life- to be loved?!
It will be foolish of me to be sorry for who I am, I am so NOT, excuse me mister for that! Let me tell you something, I know what I want in life- I want to give, to love and care for someone, who would and IS ready to do the same. I don't want you broken heart, I don't want your broken head or tears for old girl friends and etc. I am tired, I can't fix, I won't try, walk away from me, don;t even bother!!! I know I am so young, I know I have so much to live ahead, but I can't play like this with my heart and be hurt every time and try and try again. It's always less, soon will be nothing left!
You talked to me every day, you said you are not afraid, I told you who I am, I warned you we are not the same, I SAID I am very passionate, I dream a lot, I give too much! I let you in my house, you met my kids, you spend the night with me, you lie to me! Why? Feeling so ashamed how we met? Ex girl friend one night you see... and than everything changed- I am too much?! How can you planed plans with me for the next three months, how can you even lough with me or hug me or wanting to kiss me, wanting me to be a bit less? You tell me this and say I don't understand, NO, YOU do not understand. It's not only your life shit, mine is, it is not only you broken- I am, and I was many times, but I live and wanna live. I want to be happy, not hurt so go away and don't come back. Don't tell me you had time to think and realize I am the one, because if I was you would of known from the first moment you met me. Are you blind? How did I ever hurt you, what did I ever called you? I was ready for better or worse, but you fucked the whole universe! When it got worse you decided to run away, well be alone now. This is shit, cut the crap, and don;t be with me a sneaky rat, I can see well trough you and I well understand. Relax, I am not gonna go back, I am not gonna look for you even thought hurts as Hell. Look at the god damn moon now and remember we met in full moon and that was the best night ever in my life. Remember every moment we spent because it was the greatest in your life. Remember me, because you will never meet another one like me, so move on and live with that, and don't worry I will be alright. With time, my heart healed, I will open for another with great risk to be hurt again a lot just like now.
You came and turned my world upside down, I wanted to only know if that was the same with you- and you got scared and run away!Too bad, I don't need cowards! I want a real man!

Monday, July 8, 2013


Lips- tasting like a butter scotch candy. Eyes blazing in the dark. Hands- strong as titanium. Heart- racing horse. Smell of roses and something unknown in the air, I crave for you, my brain, my body, my soul, my heart desires you and only. How soon I would taste you, how soon i would hold you. Your beating heart placed in my hands, trembling I sing to it. Can you hear my voice from the other side, your gloomy eyes, and your heart in pain I can heal. Come to me, come. I'll show you the world, the colors, the flowers and smells, the magic and happiness you never felt before. Oh, come to me, just let go and come, forget and forgive all around you. Dear, I care so much for you...So nervous I am always before I see ya. I can;t help it but fear, do you feel the same?
My thoughts for a year...been always with you whenever you went, whenever you fear and heal. I know, all doesn't make sense and again that fear, but with time you will see and understand me, I promise you that! Come to me, ah, come and feel my power! Under all this stress and fear, after all this pain and no gain, my music still go on for you somewhere, just find your way to me.
All this words we said, all that happened- it doesn't matter, it matters what is now and what is after. My open hands crave to catch your fall and carry you on... All this death, all this pain you saw, it's just gone, believe me when I say this- just gone, what is now is my smile and make you smile. So what people talk, stupid only will, it still doesn't matter to me, what I care is YOU. Just a simple hug can change things, and believe in it, just a warm word can swirl world- I pray on that! And my words are not just non sense, I know, believe me I really know and feel you are just like me :). Couldn't happen in any better time for me and you, I thank God for this! You are here, yes, you are and always will be!
I know you knew, but couldn't tell, my glances, my incidental touches, my words sometimes, driving you crazy, it's all true, always been, if you haven't seen it you are a bland man. Look at me now! I am here and I feel the same as you, burning fire, crushing worlds, tears, heart in pain, broken love, my dear, how much more.... We are just the same! Fear, love, pain, can it be something more, it is what we make it though. Look at me, I am here, for God sake! I know it's scary but I am scared too, don't you think I don't risk all for this, but I am so happy, I don't know how to even begin to tell you. Just like by the fire, even the smallest touch means a lot, just like in the car when you show me the amazing lake view... So much and more, you can feel it I know... We are just the same you know, believe it, I can prove it!

Dancing with the cobras

Thursday, April 11, 2013


In the dark room he stands alone
Feels all the world its crushing
All this pain inside has grown
Everything is so fast rushing...

Feels alone on that intersection
Which road this time he should take
He lost with the world connection
The people he knew turned to be fake. 

In the dark room he stands alone
His tired hands try to hold his head
He thinks hard what he did wrong
Can not see any future ahead. 

In that moment, she opens the closed doors
Entering his sad world with sure steps
To him she walks and end his war
"Please, take my hand" she says...

As she walked, light came into the room
Hope, true feelings he felt that instant
Like something inside him just bloomed
He smiled, felt the past stopped its hunt.

"Who are you?" He asked her shy
"I am here for you- who you need it most
Don't send me now with goodbye
I am here and I am not a ghost!"

"Please, back off!" with pain he said
"My world is sad, don't want you here
I feel inside so miserable, so dead...
I don't want with you that to share!"

"But I am already here, please
I can change this, look into my eyes
I can give you Heaven's peace
Clear all the storms on your skies.

Do you trust me, I am real
I am here just for you and only
Your deadly wounds I to heal
To not ever be so lonely..."

And she kissed him with passion
His Hell turned into Heaven
And he felt her strong compassion
Love on his heart was graven. 

"My life is yours!" she said
"Your life is mine?" he asked amazed
"Yes, until I fall stone cold dead"
And with that- true Love Blazed...

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


Can you really snap out of something and change? I thought about it and I tried- I can't! Please forgive me for that I feel so much, for the wishes of mine to touch you, squeeze you, make sure you are there. Forgive for that I always want to hug you and kiss you, so much smothering you, I just care for you. You become everything to me in that moment, and I forget all around, I forget me, I lose control. I just let go, and being happy that I am here next to you. Please forgive me that I cherish every moment with you as I don't know if there is going to be a next one or if it is, when is that going to be. For me minutes are days long and hours- months. I get attached at that moment and I just don't want to let go, I care and I want to care, make sure you are warm, not thirsty and well fed, that you are not hurt or sad. I know all that is scary, but I can't really change, I tried hard, but nothing helped. And I really miss every moment with you, every touch, every hug, every kiss and word of yours, and the laugh...
Well, I am only the girl from the small village, what do I know about the world or the people in it or how to act and hide my emotions just like everyone else. I learned how to milk goats, cut grass, cook and sew, how to run with the winds, and how to chase my dreams. I grew in the wild, I don't know how to behave...
There is so much I want to tell you, so much to show you, so much hugs and kisses to give you. Only if you knew how much I care about you, from the first moment I saw you in that very cold morning, I felt like a thousand needles piercing my heart, just felt so weird, but so warm and enchanting. I always wanted to be closer to you and listen to your voice, which was the only one I heard that day and ever since. Is it that bad that I always thought of you time to time and hope I would see you again. Is it that bad when I saw you again after so long, feeling so happy and so sad thinking how hard would be to let you go again and how much I would miss you. 
I admired you and I do now more, for everything you do and the way you do it. I am so proud that I know you and I could talk to you, you will never understand how much that means to me. I feel like I am talking to an angel. I see your work as a hand touching people's souls. My soul was touched as well, but before I even saw your work. How can I tell you that I honor you and being proud, caring so much and yet so sad... Can you understand, or you will now run away? Perhaps I am a bit too much of the good stuff, maybe if I act cold, not saying how I feel, or not answering, not saying that I miss you and I care so much for you, perhaps I will be more likable? Or Perhaps I dream too much, feeling like Cinderella and you my only Prince Charming. Maybe it is still true, do you believe in magic? After that night we dance together, I lost my glass slipper, if you find it, can you bring it back to me? Can you tell me how you really feel, can you guide me into this path and tell me what to do and what not to? Even thought I know you some, I still don't know you all, and I might be stepping on your toes, but that's because I am from the village and I never dance before. Can you be my teacher and give me knowledge, while you hold me tight and kiss away my worries? Can you be there for me, while I cook you food or wake you up with some espresso? Can you be there for me waiting when I open the door coming from a long trip? Can you hold my hand while walking? Or leave me silently, because I ask for too much? 
Well you can or you can not, my heart goes out there for you, always been since the very first cold morning we met. I believe in you and the good deeds you seed around! I am proud of you in everything you do, and I don't want to even change a thing in you. You'll always be my only one Prince Charming no matter how many days or years pass by, no matter what happens and no matter the distance. I will always look at the door, waiting for you to walk trough it and see that amazing smile on your face when you see me...
من برای شما اهمیت بسیار و دلم برات تنگ شده خیلی، شاهزاده من جذاب!

Monday, February 18, 2013


I heard once if you dream it you can do it. Yet so many years after I stand alone on top of the hill now and I am seeing the horizon. I feel I could touch the sky, but illusion is closer than reality. Yet falling off the hill is so easy, just letting go myself and I would roll straight down with no problem. I saw birds flying and I think I tasted love, but all flue by me so fast. Now I hold in each hand a beautiful child and I am still walking on the edge. I hear voices coming from below, some scream for help, some try to grab me and pull me down, but I clinch my teeth and hold my children's hands and pull back. 
I wish I could sing, so everyone could hear across my words and tender voice, but I have too many rocks swollen in my throat from years ago. 
I am on top of that hill, yet I am still in between reality and dreams come true, how that happened I don't know but I need a latter to bring me up. How can I build it all by myself? I have no materials, no paint brush- everything from me got taken away. Once I saw a sad face, broken heart and tears, I give all I have away, in try to fix whatever it was broken. But all those people- took it and ran away, far, far away. Was I too young and too dumb to realize how life works, how come I lived in my own world I created and how come I am still on top of that hill still strong, still walking on unknown paths. Is that is life all about, just walking?

Thursday, January 10, 2013


To the one who always believed in me!
To the one who always loved me for who I am!
To the one who stand by me no matter what in countless times!
To the one who held my hand and walk me trough life!
To the one who listen to my bitching, laughing, crying!
To the one who hugged me when I most need it!
To the one who really, really care for me!
To the one who saved me numerous times from bad people or bad actions!
To the one who snap me out of it!
To the one who make me always smile, when I have a shit day!
To the one who tells me " yes you can!"
To the one who heard so much shit about me!
To the one who told me I am beautiful!
I love you my dearest, truly friend!
I just have no words of saying how much I really love you...
I stand by you even if there is a thousand miles between us at times... I will always be your friend!


So here I am writing blah blah about the most written ever subject- love...
To fall in love it's not easy I must say, as the years role on you, harder it gets to fall in love with some one. How is that really happening? You see this new face for the first time and you fall for it? That would be more attraction, but then you talk, and you laugh and you cry and so much drama and work in this busy life, yet you still have time for each other. You get to know each other, you get to want more and more... Dream about this face that becomes now familiar and you feel you can't without it... It's getting harder, you want to say something but the words come out wrong, or the person front of you mis understand you... You feel like you screwed up somehow yet you are so protective of the person... You start to dream with this person, you make your plans and that person is included in it, you feel closure and you feel you can't just live without it... You share that special little moments of walking down the street and he grabs your hand and leads your path away, sweep your feet away, thinks big...
You starting to see the world with different colors, you find yourself in his face...
Maybe you've been with this person in previously life, maybe this is just a déjà vu, or just maybe... you fall in love...
And it gets harder and harder now, while separated from each other, the minutes feel like hours, and the hours- days... You just want to be together and be happy again.
Then people start talking and commenting bad or good, is all the same to you- you just don't listen, because you can only hear your heart and its telling you only one thing " he is the one!" And you keep on rolling day after day. If you don't hear a word for a day you start worry if something bad happen, it is not simple any more, you infested care in your body for that person and you become one big drama ball rolling off an on in bed day by day until you see that face again... How sweet is to be in love we all seek it and when we find it, it becomes hard and complicated... You can't just go with the flow, or relax, you just wanna build and build upon the new relationship and make it stronger, and forever...
It's hard I know, so do everyone knows it but not everyone admits it... In this hard busy life we still find it though, could be on the street, could be at the store or could be just knocking at your door...
Take that hand that is offered to you I say, and just run away with it... Love, love and love more!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


I walk the busy streets filled with dirt and people. Some are smiling on my looks and some are laughing...
I talk, but no one listens, or hear me some and see the crowd gets less and less...
I love for real some, to discover later I do not exist for them at all...
I cry and still no one listens...
I run and no one keep up with me, no matter how hard or easy it is the run...
I live for others, yet no one really cares yet...

For you I write, who do not read, 
To you I talk, who do not listen, 
You I love, who do not understand, 
YOU, no matter what I'll stand for...

I'll strip my clothes and start walking, trough the hot deserts of emptiness, trough the hot sands, and icy waters of the mountain lakes. I would swim the rivers, and fly over forests. I would look into every face on Earth and seek yours, searching for your soul in the valley of the Ashes. Even thought my feet are bleeding, and I am dying thirsty, I will still walk towards finding you. I know I will see the beauty of the world with pretty colors, music, dancing and the laugh, with the rainbows and the sunny days, with chirping birds and running kids... I would still not stop, but pass by until I enter the cold and dark night. The twilight would kiss softly my wounds.The moon will slowly climb the sky and rise above my naked body. I will drink the small droplets from the blades of the grass as the ground begins to cool, while still walking, before it turns to frost..
I make mistakes of seeing your characteristics in someone else, but I it's not really you, I have to keep going, where are you? Where is you? I fall a lot, sometimes into deep holes, sometimes into swamps, and sometimes into rivers, oceans or the lakes. But I taste all grounds and waters and I see it is not the same. I know I am moving closer... I sometimes see you clear, but closer as I get I see mirage... I can hear your words, so passionate, so sweet and tender, so true and loved, but closer as I get I fear is that really you or the mirage again...
As I walk trough the dark, I use my hands to feel around, I often get hurt more not knowing who is there or what it's gonna be...I fear, but I still go on... I scream out loud your name, can't you hear? No answer on the other end...
And the sun rise again. Kissing me gently, like taking away my worries and I move on. I keep on walking and screaming your name, so many heads turn back, yet I can't see your face....
I keep on moving, and my heart fills with more love and hope, and it gets heavy, you do not understand, it is heavy and hard to keep walking like that. 
My eye lids heavy closing slowly, I am dragging my feet trough the dry cracked ground. I stop for a break, to just take a short breath, leaning my back against the gray empty wall... Front of me was just this green construction with small windows but no light, was it anyone living at all there?! 
The sun disappeared again and I was hugged back the darkness. I couldn't see anymore, I lost my hearing... I felt so cold and alone in that moment...
I felt warm touch, someone was holding my hand. I open my eyes and it was you there!
"Who are you?" you said...
"I've been looking for you, you I always wanted, you I dreamed of, you by whom I've been always hunted... I am here now, just take me, end my walk of time and all this searching..."
"I am sorry but I do not understand you..."
"It is you, you and only... Can you hear me, can you even understand, I just know inside me, it is really, really you I've always wanted..." 
"Please calm down, I am afraid I do not like it..." 
"What is wrong with you, are you going mad? I am here, it is me as pure as I can be!" 
"I do not care..." And he stands to walk away.
"No, wait! Can't you spare a minute to get to know me who I am? You saw me, but you never known me..."
"I still don't care do you understand! I wish I never stopped and asked you, I changed my mind, I have to go and lay... Take care." 
"But I walked so long, so far, I am giving you my heart..." The tears showing in my eyes, my soul is shedding down my spine..."Just give me time, I'll show you and I will tell you about my long adventure..." 
"What? Do you think I can spare time? I am busy with important stuff, maybe some other life..." 
"Can you just for second, stop and look around. Do you know where are you, do you know with who? Do you know I care and I love you. I know that is not even matter now, but I just want to tell you that and then you can do whatever. Here just take it, I just can't even bare it..." I rip my heart and place it in his feet. 
So what it hasn't be towards me so fare, I still said the words I thought of, I still try to show what I feel inside, and I strip naked front of him so he could see me as I was... The fact that I was there meeting him at last...Nothing else even matter, it was him I just wanted to take care... I have no idea what he would do with my beating heart now, would he kick it, would he take it, would he trow it or just spit at it...maybe love it, I so hope for it, but I don't know...

Well now he has it...