Monday, September 23, 2013


I know it sounds unbelievable but you is who I've dreamed of. I was only 12 when I started seeing the same person over and over in my dreams, and each time was something more revealed to me. But the only thing was, you never talked. I wrote a book describing you and some of the details that you share are sometimes shocking, but it is a prove I have before I even met you. Somehow, finally faith or whatever you want to call it, met us and now I feel I never knew you thought I dreamed of you before. I touch you often, brushing your hair, wanting to hold your hand, because I still can not believe it is really you I've damned of. I talk to you for hours and I see how the same we are thought sometimes we are different. I saw a lots of images of you, some of them were scary. I saw you rising from a pile of bodies... Your face covered in someone else's blood, I saw you running trough a jungle and your heart rate bursts. I saw you screaming from the top of your longs, and being calm when killing. I saw you startling in your heavy dreams squeezing your gun closer to your body sleeping on the cold ground in unknown to you place. I saw you shivering from cold and dripping hot sweat, walking thirsty looking for a sign of life. I saw your worry thoughts on your face and a split second of wonder if you'd always be that alone and the same. 
I see you now! Believe me I do, I see the care and your big heart. I want to embrace you and hold you, I want to dream with you now. And I do dream... I dream of holding your hand and saying " now my life is complete I found you and we'll be safe". I dream of telling you I love you and nothing else matter. I dream of holding you trough the night when you have nightmares and whispering in your ear " you are home now, you are safe". I dream of waking every morning with you, reading the paper and drinking coffee while laughing away. I dream of you being with me seeing places old and new, running together, chasing the wind until we are out of breath. I know it sounds cheesy, but I dream of you laying next to me every night on time and kissing me goodnight. I dream of you seeing you smile every time you see me and I see you. Being spontaneous at times and be myself with you. I dream of you wanting me often... I dream and I dream...
I see on your face how much effort you put when you trying to change from being alone, to be with somebody today. You are doing an amazing job and ah how I wish to tell you I love you so much a thousand times a day. Every time you kiss me on your way out it's like a treasure to me. When I see the passion in your wild eyes, it drives me crazy, feeling so good. I am so attracted to you by body and mind, I wish I could tell you this with the strongest words I know equal to my feelings, but I feel I can't find them at all. To be with you makes me grow. Thought I've dreamed of you, I am still learning who you are now. And at times I misunderstand, but can you forgive me, I only knew an image of you not the reality you show. 
I admire you a lot, I often feel last in you while talking of the past. I see you watching with wonder the stars and craving to know more. How can I show you I am walking down on earth looking at you and wonder about you? How can I tell you I am next to you and I want you to hold me forever? I am asking a lot... But I feel happy when you do that, I feel complete and there is nothing more I need. When you look at me in the eyes, I feel warm and safe, when you hold me I become brave. When you brush against me it burns and I melt. How can I even tell you I fell for you, when you opened your world to me and said "welcome" and I feel at home? I don't want to leave, I want to be with you now and tomorrow and the day after and all...look at me know what I've become after walking alone searching for you... Can you see my strength and all? My passion and love? Is it too much for you? I can tell you haven't really felt it, it is new to me too...can be scary at times, but I want it all. I am not afraid anymore, when I am with you I know I can handle it all. Whatever I have I want to share with you, build and create more. Notice me who I am now, can you share your fears, wonders and passion with me too? Can you see yourself trough my eyes? I love you a bit more every day and it's like breathing air, do you think I want to stop? Can you feel the same and wake up one day and say " yes this is possible and I need you in my life as well"? Can you hug me like you I do feeling you can't ever let go?
No one belongs more in my heart then you I can assure you that. I don't have to be with you but I want to be us to be together. I am not at all out of your liege, I am here now, but do you want me to stay? I dream of saying to the world- he is the most handsome and he is mine, he is the right one for me and he is mine... I dream of you feeling the same one day...


To want some one in your life I find out is standing by so they all say. To need someone is not true, as we are humans and you need food, water, air and etc. But what if you need someone as much as water and food, air and etc.? I believe is possible as I already prove myself I could sacrifice water and food for someone I needed in my life and that was my family. If I have to stop breathing for someone I care dearly- believe me I would! Wouldn't you do the same?
It is hard to want to be with someone "hanging out" when that someone spends it's time on something else mean while you standing by and wait. You wait for that " just gonna take a second" which turned into an hour or more, to finish and see his face coming trough the door. Your eyes light up and a smile appears on your face, your " standing by" is over finally, but you just find out he is tired, it was too late. 
You standing by for the perfect moment to say " I love you" and when you do you want to be recognized as a believable statement, but you end up keep standing by. You shed tears quietly in bed standing by, and you become a problem being mopey all the time, you keep standing by. Ah, how you wish to touch him and kiss him everywhere, but it is so hard not knowing how he would react. You hear " only happens when I want" and you feel you doing something wrong... Hard man to love is standing by and it hurts at times, but what can you do else? How long would standing by last for you?
It is hard watching others being happy, holding hands, kissing and laughing along the road, happy pictures, you ask yourself, is this possible for me to be the same? Why do you have to even ask! You don't know the answer? 
I am standing by! Watching a hard man playing a video game... I am trying to understand, why is it so important to him and why so many wasted hours on it, when could be something else. You ask yourself is the game better than me? It relaxes him he says, but it's always the same. Is it possible to be addiction? He denies at once! Just like smoking maybe, it relaxes you, and it's sure hard to quit at once. You are so tired, not enough sleep, why play this game for hours? I am standing by, it hurts. Yes call me selfish, I would like to be noticed, more then once a day for two minutes. Yes I like to be close and I like to have space, and I believe I give so much space with this game and everything much more space do you need? Is it better to role play with other people for hours and just for an hour in real life with just one person or two? If you don't have addiction, why can't you give it up for a day or more? Can you stand by and wait to be noticed every day, every time by the one who you care for? It is hard I am telling you, hard man to love... I wonder if I can get use to do that forever? You want to be my friend, ask me what I feel, help me trough emotions, help me understand, tell me how you feel. Don't be upset when I do tell you though that sometimes it's hard for me, it is not easy to standing by. You say we are all different, true, but when you had a bad relationship before and you were doing everything alone, doesn't mean it's gonna be the same with this one. I was standing by all my life so far I've known, I don't want to do that for a lot more now. I am different. How can I even say that when you say there is nothing to talk about it sometimes? How can I make a difference in which world you living now? You call me Hun, you call every other woman Hun... Where are you now?
Talk to me, I am standing by, waiting for you, can't you see...? 

Saturday, September 14, 2013


I do know the fact that I am an actress, but when I am not on the set- it's just me. I do not entertain people, I have my own opinions, so I am sorry if you are one that doesn't want to hear any of mine. I know we often get upset, mad, even extremely angry, but when that happen to me I do not push away the people I care for. I try to sit down and listen, understand, their feelings and thoughts. I try hard to take criticism, other's opinions and advice.  That doesn't mean I will always do what other's say, but I do listen and I do hear every word. One kid will get upset and run into her/his room and slam the door, one adult, however, will sit down across and say "Ok, I am listening" or "Ok, I want to tell you what I think."
It is hard to understand adults these days. We lack of using communication and we often hurt the people around us, the people who love us, the people we care about. If we do not want to listen, we get annoyed, and kick them out of our lives, just because it's much easy not to deal with it at the moment, but later we repeat the same over and over with someone else. 
It hurts a lot to fight for someone who doesn't want to listen and seeks entertainment. I can entertain for so long, but I have my own feelings, emotions and thoughts. I react on other's behavior and it is hard to not be distant when the person in front of you is distant with you. 
We are not perfect, no one is, but I sit down and I want to admit my false, say "I am sorry", and forgive each other. Can you do the same?! When I know you so well, you do not have to show me first how big of a heart you have and how tender and loving you are, and than put a mask on and be defensive, someone totally different with me. It is hard for me already, I see how you straggle, and how much pain you have. You do not have to be a warrior with me, this is not a war between us. I am not a dog either, that you can get rid of so easy when you have a personality conflict with it, I am human being that walks and it's able to talk and listen to you.    
You let me in your house, you met me with your parents, you introduce me to your most precious thing in the world- your child, you let me in your life, and at the same time you want me leave my thoughts, emotions and everything that defines me at your door. You do not want me to say out loud my opinions. You do not want me to be involved in anything concerning your life, you do not want me to know anything. Maybe you should get a doll, they are pretty, and they do not think or talk. You can get them out when you want and put them away or throw them when you want. I didn't walk into your life to make you upset, mad or angry, I care about you, I open my world and arms for you and for everyone in your world. I embrace it with no fear and I care, ah, I care for it...
My understandings for relationship is being together, doing things together, face problems together, solve problems together, learn from each other, talk, feel, think, create together. When you want me to walk out of your house and life and you want to call me when you feel bored, feels not much of a relationship. When you tell me to go away when you are upset and not tell me a word more, is not communication, it is more breaking my heart. When you accuse me of doing wrong all the time when I am trying to do good and not even listen why I did what I did, is hard on me to understand. You can easy disappear for hours, days, no word until you call back and talk like nothing happened. It is hard to understand it, I do not know what is this called. But is hard for me to be a part of you and care, and at the same time, not to raise my voice. 
I do care, I always will, I have a heart, thought is broken every time you push me away. I see the little things, I see how you ignore my wishes, my desires, my thoughts, my feelings. I know is hard to deal with it, but I am a human being and if I wasn't one, I wouldn't feel, care, love you, nor think at all. You can just tell me that you do not look for a relationship, as painful as it will be for me, I will have to walk away and not be a part of you and your world. If you want to tell me how you feel and what do you want- I will be here for you and I will listen, I promise you that! But you have to do the same for me, and not get mad easy... You have to give some thoughts and tell me... See the good in me, not just the bad. It is easy to just look at the bad and "trash" me to another. Does that have any point at all? Try to see me in within and understand my heart, my feelings for you... Please, do try to understand how I care for you and let me be, instead of pushing me away. Try to see I never did you any harm or cheated on you. Please do try to listen and understand. I never told you what to do, nor what is right or what is wrong. See my heart and soul. 
I know you face treats most of your life, but can you see I am not a treat?! Can you see the colors in me and around me, the beauty, the life, can you? Can you let down your guard with me and show me yourself? Do you even want to do that? No one else has to know about it, just to me... Do you want to enjoy life with me and see the goodness and it's beauty? Do you want me to show you some at all? Do you want to be with me? If I am in a relationship, missing you would be my hobby, caring for you would be my job, making you happy would be my duty and loving you - would be my life! Do you want to be in a relationship with me?

I will be here...just let me know.