Thursday, October 17, 2013


It is weird again I dreamed of you last night. You come to me when I feel alone and empty, when I can't breathe or look ahead. You brush my hair and telling me "all it's gonna be ok..." You are out there, I know, I want to believe, but where? Sitting in the filled room looking trough every face I see, I feel in the middle of a stump, I am watching at the ceiling, where are you, come to me. I allure myself into faces, I want to believe I found you, yet quickly I find it is not really you. I feel I am getting close, my heart pounds faster every time. Show yourself! I let my guard down, I wanted to show you, my true self, but so many take advantage of it while I am waiting for you... Do you even know that? I do not want to let go! I want to believe it forever, something I dream of, something I hope for, so much to say. I am just so close, I feel it, believe me, if only the world knows about it... I do not want to dream of you anymore. I do not sleep in my bed at all, because when I lay in it, I dream of you laying next to me, watching me. I do not want to search for you, I am tired, but why I look trough faces, I still don't know. Why do I have those feelings for you, I don't even know you, nor where are you. I want to live my life, dance, smile, laugh and walk forward. I do all that and yet, there you come again when I haven't even thought about it. You brush my hair and tell me "all it's gonna be ok..." Be brave, give me a sign, show yourself, tell me the truth, or just walk away! I am keep making the first step and I am keep tripping, I just want to take the train and go away... Come with me, on this ride, look at the sun and the clouds making faces in the sky, stop coming into my dreams, I can't look at those sad eyes. I am day dreaming, I am happy where I am and who I become, but you missing from my life is just a pain that I carried with me all the way... Come away with me, it's gonna be alright, you'll see! Show your self, end that fear, look at me, come closer, say a word, hold my hand, it's perfectly fine. I don't know where you are, but just breathe, you don't have to be alone. I wish I had a light house and light the way for you, or just look at the stars, every time the moon shines full, I feel so much closer to you now.  What is the first thing you see when you open your eyes, what do you remember dreaming last night? I believe I was there with you, but you haven't found me yet, I am trying to find you, believe me, I am trying. Something is driving us on... Something inside us... If I don't find you, I hope you find me, as I am out there too. Don't gave in upon what you have and what you could have. Keep walking, out there, be brave, we are going to meet one day. 

Friday, October 4, 2013


Here I am again on chapter 1 being home alone. The time to analyze, the time to think, the time to change a few little things... You know I hate to say it, but my heart is broken once again. Not sure how I'll recover, not sure how much is left... but what I know is that it hurts. It hurts to not be heard, it hurts to not be appreciated it, it hurts to not be noticed and remain unknown. 
I must say one big thank you, you showed me how much people care and how much damn I should give about men. You punished me with silence and tell me I am vague when I try explain my feelings. I give you all I have and you did as well, so you can later just take it back away. You told me that you are a fighter, yet you fought just for yourself. Thank you for coming into my life not long ago and tell me I am not humble, thought I walked the longest roads in my life and everything I had I gave away. Thank you for showing me how cruel the world can be and reminding me that I am part of it. Thank you for gaining my trust and later butcher me exactly where I am hurt. Thank you for pushing me over the edge to tell you "I am sorry", "I feel bad" and "I am not perfect, I did wrong" when you never said a word for yourself. Thank you for telling me I was controlling when I had no part in your life and I couldn't even say a thing. Thank you for sharing your past women experiences and tell me how horrible they were so I could feel now the same and think you talk about me just as similar as your past tales. Thank you for letting me spend time with you when you showed me how you can be a man and you can play a stupid video game. I understand, believe me, I do, but you never will me. Thank you for saving my time at the end, that really helps me. You showed me so much I do wrong, that now I have to change. I gave too much, too fast- I overwhelmed. I cared too much, that brought fear. I asked a lots of questions, I became suspicious. I set goals for us, when you had none. I tried too hard to reach and talk- that brought anger. I stated my emotions- you became silent. I believed in us and anything is possible, when you haven't even saw "us" together. I read all signs around us, the very same you ignored. I guess thank you for leaving me home alone when you said no men left behind, oh wait, that was only for men equivalent or I actually never was one of "your men". I believe you had a good thing and you destroyed it, congratulations, you are a true soldier. 
Do not read this and get upset because of what I think, your actions towards me actually are the ones who made me feel. I forgive you though! Believe me I understand, but you will never listen, nor think, nor wish to change. Not change your personality, but the way you think or what you say, the way you handle things. I know, I believe you are a good man. I feel you're lost and of a need of someone who you can trust. You think you can do it all alone, but I haven't seen or heard anyone make it that way. You often die alone, not live alone. People are all around you...but you are home alone. Believe me I understand - you have no good words for me, I know. I know you can't fight for me and I am nobody to you. I know I asked from you too much to understand me, see me and maybe love me... And I will learn from my mistakes and never again apply them. Thank you for showing me how I need to work on me being a better soldier in life and not let anyone hurt me any more. Thank you for reminding me that people gave up on you, but you still have to go on. And maybe, just maybe one day in front of you, will be standing the one who will see you,hear you and understand you. Not only, but would want to walk with you the longest, hardest, funniest and shortest roads in life and not letting your hand go. But remember, I saw you and you were the one that let go!


I saw I have a draft here that I never posted, maybe it's about time to reveal some of my old thoughts and see if they've changed....

So I am sitting alone in the dark with a glass of wine. I promise I am not drunk, at least not yet...
I promise also I am not sad or broken!
I was thinking about my past, as sad as it was, there were so many moments that were good, that I miss, that I wish I relive it again. Don't you have moments like that, wishing you can turn the clock back and experience them again.
The moments I miss most is falling in love. That period of my life where I was foolish in love without thinking, without limits, so sweet, so strong and so emotionally crazy... I fell in love so many times, that I have no idea how my heart could of loved so many men... (of course not all at the same time). I was having hope and so much optimism that "this is the one"... And when looking back on that I ask myself how was that possible, so easy to happen and now is almost not existing. I don't think I changed at all, but I think the years changed the  men to something else... It is so hard to fall in love, you almost think that is impossible...
Back then was easy to meet someone, fall in love and build a future in your heads together of how life together would look like and be. Now it is hard to build that something on top of already build life... So I assume is hard to meet similar life to yours or another already build life that would fit with yours.
I remember how often I was hearing how beautiful I was and that made my world, now I hear it more often and I don't even know how to respond... I remember how sweet was to meet around the corner unexpectedly and steal a kiss from the love one, now that is not happening... First you have to call, then appoint a date and reserve a restaurant and blah blah and so on... You see there is no spontaneous acts at all. Before I had no expectations now I have some, to be a caring person, to be employed so I don't have to pick up the bill on my date every time, to be smart and not to embarrass me, to be loving father figure, to love animals and so much more... I don't know why is that, am I asking for too much? But there is so much I can give and all that I just said I am capable of giving, why that can't be from the opposite side as well? Am I looking for the perfect one or I should just saddle for the shmack one? Or maybe I am just looking for just the right one! I know who I am and I know what do I want, I am also not needy nor depend upon anyone. I am one independent woman and I can tell you right now, I can be alone. But if you want to be my partner, so be one!!!