Friday, October 4, 2013

DEAD MAN WALKING

Here I am again on chapter 1 being home alone. The time to analyze, the time to think, the time to change a few little things... You know I hate to say it, but my heart is broken once again. Not sure how I'll recover, not sure how much is left... but what I know is that it hurts. It hurts to not be heard, it hurts to not be appreciated it, it hurts to not be noticed and remain unknown. 
I must say one big thank you, you showed me how much people care and how much damn I should give about men. You punished me with silence and tell me I am vague when I try explain my feelings. I give you all I have and you did as well, so you can later just take it back away. You told me that you are a fighter, yet you fought just for yourself. Thank you for coming into my life not long ago and tell me I am not humble, thought I walked the longest roads in my life and everything I had I gave away. Thank you for showing me how cruel the world can be and reminding me that I am part of it. Thank you for gaining my trust and later butcher me exactly where I am hurt. Thank you for pushing me over the edge to tell you "I am sorry", "I feel bad" and "I am not perfect, I did wrong" when you never said a word for yourself. Thank you for telling me I was controlling when I had no part in your life and I couldn't even say a thing. Thank you for sharing your past women experiences and tell me how horrible they were so I could feel now the same and think you talk about me just as similar as your past tales. Thank you for letting me spend time with you when you showed me how you can be a man and you can play a stupid video game. I understand, believe me, I do, but you never will me. Thank you for saving my time at the end, that really helps me. You showed me so much I do wrong, that now I have to change. I gave too much, too fast- I overwhelmed. I cared too much, that brought fear. I asked a lots of questions, I became suspicious. I set goals for us, when you had none. I tried too hard to reach and talk- that brought anger. I stated my emotions- you became silent. I believed in us and anything is possible, when you haven't even saw "us" together. I read all signs around us, the very same you ignored. I guess thank you for leaving me home alone when you said no men left behind, oh wait, that was only for men equivalent or I actually never was one of "your men". I believe you had a good thing and you destroyed it, congratulations, you are a true soldier. 
Do not read this and get upset because of what I think, your actions towards me actually are the ones who made me feel. I forgive you though! Believe me I understand, but you will never listen, nor think, nor wish to change. Not change your personality, but the way you think or what you say, the way you handle things. I know, I believe you are a good man. I feel you're lost and of a need of someone who you can trust. You think you can do it all alone, but I haven't seen or heard anyone make it that way. You often die alone, not live alone. People are all around you...but you are home alone. Believe me I understand - you have no good words for me, I know. I know you can't fight for me and I am nobody to you. I know I asked from you too much to understand me, see me and maybe love me... And I will learn from my mistakes and never again apply them. Thank you for showing me how I need to work on me being a better soldier in life and not let anyone hurt me any more. Thank you for reminding me that people gave up on you, but you still have to go on. And maybe, just maybe one day in front of you, will be standing the one who will see you,hear you and understand you. Not only, but would want to walk with you the longest, hardest, funniest and shortest roads in life and not letting your hand go. But remember, I saw you and you were the one that let go!

No comments:

Post a Comment