Sunday, November 13, 2016

Me on Politics

I know many people who smile and don't say anything when comes to politics, I also know some who shout about their politic views and I also know some that say one but believe in another, just so they can make people happy.
I am neither of them. But I feel the need to clarify.
I am no party democrat or liberal or whatever... The party is not exactly defying my believes. My believes are first and if that happens to be into the democratic party frame, then I am a democratic. But f there is a democratic representative who believes in crazy things, don't count me in with him/her.

It happened I shared believes and hopes with Bernie the most, however he wasn't elected. I stand against Trump, because he showed and prove that he is a racist and sexist guy. I don't like as much the other candidates but I was sure I didn't want Trump to represent me in the future. trump managed to bring the worst in people, and in some- some things they have been hiding for a very long time. We all see how trump supporters violate others physically and mentally and me personally was a victim of Trump supporter's bullying.

I am neither party dear, however I know who I am and I know what do I value! I believe of no harm physical or verbal to others, and treat people with respect no matter their skin color, gender, culture, financial situation, educational level or etc. We are all humans, why not exist together just fine as we need each other. You need the smarter one to educate you, you need the other gender to fulfil  you, another color to show you the world... Why would you make other suffer? What is wrong with you?
Why should anyone suffer when any of us is capable of giving water to the thirsty and giving bread to the hungry and shelter the homeless. If you personally can't, you know someone who knows someone who can help!
We are united, act like one! It doesn't matter boarders or countries or continents or oceans. We cross boarders, we swim or fly over oceans! What you need is to be honest with yourself and really think carefully what is right and what is wrong. Is it right to hurt others? Is it right to punish or harm others?
What party you are in it's not really matter. Ironically we all believe in the same value- love one another, treat others with respect, help the ones that are in need, be respectful, love your family...
Where is that hate coming from then? Because someone wants to go to another bathroom as they feel more female and not male out of the sudden you have problems because this is new change and you can't accept changes... Get over it. We don't live in yesterday, we live actually in the world of tomorrow!
The more new changes we allow the farther we get and we progress. The farther we get and progress the smarter and stronger we get!

Thursday, October 17, 2013


It is weird again I dreamed of you last night. You come to me when I feel alone and empty, when I can't breathe or look ahead. You brush my hair and telling me "all it's gonna be ok..." You are out there, I know, I want to believe, but where? Sitting in the filled room looking trough every face I see, I feel in the middle of a stump, I am watching at the ceiling, where are you, come to me. I allure myself into faces, I want to believe I found you, yet quickly I find it is not really you. I feel I am getting close, my heart pounds faster every time. Show yourself! I let my guard down, I wanted to show you, my true self, but so many take advantage of it while I am waiting for you... Do you even know that? I do not want to let go! I want to believe it forever, something I dream of, something I hope for, so much to say. I am just so close, I feel it, believe me, if only the world knows about it... I do not want to dream of you anymore. I do not sleep in my bed at all, because when I lay in it, I dream of you laying next to me, watching me. I do not want to search for you, I am tired, but why I look trough faces, I still don't know. Why do I have those feelings for you, I don't even know you, nor where are you. I want to live my life, dance, smile, laugh and walk forward. I do all that and yet, there you come again when I haven't even thought about it. You brush my hair and tell me "all it's gonna be ok..." Be brave, give me a sign, show yourself, tell me the truth, or just walk away! I am keep making the first step and I am keep tripping, I just want to take the train and go away... Come with me, on this ride, look at the sun and the clouds making faces in the sky, stop coming into my dreams, I can't look at those sad eyes. I am day dreaming, I am happy where I am and who I become, but you missing from my life is just a pain that I carried with me all the way... Come away with me, it's gonna be alright, you'll see! Show your self, end that fear, look at me, come closer, say a word, hold my hand, it's perfectly fine. I don't know where you are, but just breathe, you don't have to be alone. I wish I had a light house and light the way for you, or just look at the stars, every time the moon shines full, I feel so much closer to you now.  What is the first thing you see when you open your eyes, what do you remember dreaming last night? I believe I was there with you, but you haven't found me yet, I am trying to find you, believe me, I am trying. Something is driving us on... Something inside us... If I don't find you, I hope you find me, as I am out there too. Don't gave in upon what you have and what you could have. Keep walking, out there, be brave, we are going to meet one day. 

Friday, October 4, 2013


Here I am again on chapter 1 being home alone. The time to analyze, the time to think, the time to change a few little things... You know I hate to say it, but my heart is broken once again. Not sure how I'll recover, not sure how much is left... but what I know is that it hurts. It hurts to not be heard, it hurts to not be appreciated it, it hurts to not be noticed and remain unknown. 
I must say one big thank you, you showed me how much people care and how much damn I should give about men. You punished me with silence and tell me I am vague when I try explain my feelings. I give you all I have and you did as well, so you can later just take it back away. You told me that you are a fighter, yet you fought just for yourself. Thank you for coming into my life not long ago and tell me I am not humble, thought I walked the longest roads in my life and everything I had I gave away. Thank you for showing me how cruel the world can be and reminding me that I am part of it. Thank you for gaining my trust and later butcher me exactly where I am hurt. Thank you for pushing me over the edge to tell you "I am sorry", "I feel bad" and "I am not perfect, I did wrong" when you never said a word for yourself. Thank you for telling me I was controlling when I had no part in your life and I couldn't even say a thing. Thank you for sharing your past women experiences and tell me how horrible they were so I could feel now the same and think you talk about me just as similar as your past tales. Thank you for letting me spend time with you when you showed me how you can be a man and you can play a stupid video game. I understand, believe me, I do, but you never will me. Thank you for saving my time at the end, that really helps me. You showed me so much I do wrong, that now I have to change. I gave too much, too fast- I overwhelmed. I cared too much, that brought fear. I asked a lots of questions, I became suspicious. I set goals for us, when you had none. I tried too hard to reach and talk- that brought anger. I stated my emotions- you became silent. I believed in us and anything is possible, when you haven't even saw "us" together. I read all signs around us, the very same you ignored. I guess thank you for leaving me home alone when you said no men left behind, oh wait, that was only for men equivalent or I actually never was one of "your men". I believe you had a good thing and you destroyed it, congratulations, you are a true soldier. 
Do not read this and get upset because of what I think, your actions towards me actually are the ones who made me feel. I forgive you though! Believe me I understand, but you will never listen, nor think, nor wish to change. Not change your personality, but the way you think or what you say, the way you handle things. I know, I believe you are a good man. I feel you're lost and of a need of someone who you can trust. You think you can do it all alone, but I haven't seen or heard anyone make it that way. You often die alone, not live alone. People are all around you...but you are home alone. Believe me I understand - you have no good words for me, I know. I know you can't fight for me and I am nobody to you. I know I asked from you too much to understand me, see me and maybe love me... And I will learn from my mistakes and never again apply them. Thank you for showing me how I need to work on me being a better soldier in life and not let anyone hurt me any more. Thank you for reminding me that people gave up on you, but you still have to go on. And maybe, just maybe one day in front of you, will be standing the one who will see you,hear you and understand you. Not only, but would want to walk with you the longest, hardest, funniest and shortest roads in life and not letting your hand go. But remember, I saw you and you were the one that let go!


I saw I have a draft here that I never posted, maybe it's about time to reveal some of my old thoughts and see if they've changed....

So I am sitting alone in the dark with a glass of wine. I promise I am not drunk, at least not yet...
I promise also I am not sad or broken!
I was thinking about my past, as sad as it was, there were so many moments that were good, that I miss, that I wish I relive it again. Don't you have moments like that, wishing you can turn the clock back and experience them again.
The moments I miss most is falling in love. That period of my life where I was foolish in love without thinking, without limits, so sweet, so strong and so emotionally crazy... I fell in love so many times, that I have no idea how my heart could of loved so many men... (of course not all at the same time). I was having hope and so much optimism that "this is the one"... And when looking back on that I ask myself how was that possible, so easy to happen and now is almost not existing. I don't think I changed at all, but I think the years changed the  men to something else... It is so hard to fall in love, you almost think that is impossible...
Back then was easy to meet someone, fall in love and build a future in your heads together of how life together would look like and be. Now it is hard to build that something on top of already build life... So I assume is hard to meet similar life to yours or another already build life that would fit with yours.
I remember how often I was hearing how beautiful I was and that made my world, now I hear it more often and I don't even know how to respond... I remember how sweet was to meet around the corner unexpectedly and steal a kiss from the love one, now that is not happening... First you have to call, then appoint a date and reserve a restaurant and blah blah and so on... You see there is no spontaneous acts at all. Before I had no expectations now I have some, to be a caring person, to be employed so I don't have to pick up the bill on my date every time, to be smart and not to embarrass me, to be loving father figure, to love animals and so much more... I don't know why is that, am I asking for too much? But there is so much I can give and all that I just said I am capable of giving, why that can't be from the opposite side as well? Am I looking for the perfect one or I should just saddle for the shmack one? Or maybe I am just looking for just the right one! I know who I am and I know what do I want, I am also not needy nor depend upon anyone. I am one independent woman and I can tell you right now, I can be alone. But if you want to be my partner, so be one!!!

Monday, September 23, 2013


I know it sounds unbelievable but you is who I've dreamed of. I was only 12 when I started seeing the same person over and over in my dreams, and each time was something more revealed to me. But the only thing was, you never talked. I wrote a book describing you and some of the details that you share are sometimes shocking, but it is a prove I have before I even met you. Somehow, finally faith or whatever you want to call it, met us and now I feel I never knew you thought I dreamed of you before. I touch you often, brushing your hair, wanting to hold your hand, because I still can not believe it is really you I've damned of. I talk to you for hours and I see how the same we are thought sometimes we are different. I saw a lots of images of you, some of them were scary. I saw you rising from a pile of bodies... Your face covered in someone else's blood, I saw you running trough a jungle and your heart rate bursts. I saw you screaming from the top of your longs, and being calm when killing. I saw you startling in your heavy dreams squeezing your gun closer to your body sleeping on the cold ground in unknown to you place. I saw you shivering from cold and dripping hot sweat, walking thirsty looking for a sign of life. I saw your worry thoughts on your face and a split second of wonder if you'd always be that alone and the same. 
I see you now! Believe me I do, I see the care and your big heart. I want to embrace you and hold you, I want to dream with you now. And I do dream... I dream of holding your hand and saying " now my life is complete I found you and we'll be safe". I dream of telling you I love you and nothing else matter. I dream of holding you trough the night when you have nightmares and whispering in your ear " you are home now, you are safe". I dream of waking every morning with you, reading the paper and drinking coffee while laughing away. I dream of you being with me seeing places old and new, running together, chasing the wind until we are out of breath. I know it sounds cheesy, but I dream of you laying next to me every night on time and kissing me goodnight. I dream of you seeing you smile every time you see me and I see you. Being spontaneous at times and be myself with you. I dream of you wanting me often... I dream and I dream...
I see on your face how much effort you put when you trying to change from being alone, to be with somebody today. You are doing an amazing job and ah how I wish to tell you I love you so much a thousand times a day. Every time you kiss me on your way out it's like a treasure to me. When I see the passion in your wild eyes, it drives me crazy, feeling so good. I am so attracted to you by body and mind, I wish I could tell you this with the strongest words I know equal to my feelings, but I feel I can't find them at all. To be with you makes me grow. Thought I've dreamed of you, I am still learning who you are now. And at times I misunderstand, but can you forgive me, I only knew an image of you not the reality you show. 
I admire you a lot, I often feel last in you while talking of the past. I see you watching with wonder the stars and craving to know more. How can I show you I am walking down on earth looking at you and wonder about you? How can I tell you I am next to you and I want you to hold me forever? I am asking a lot... But I feel happy when you do that, I feel complete and there is nothing more I need. When you look at me in the eyes, I feel warm and safe, when you hold me I become brave. When you brush against me it burns and I melt. How can I even tell you I fell for you, when you opened your world to me and said "welcome" and I feel at home? I don't want to leave, I want to be with you now and tomorrow and the day after and all...look at me know what I've become after walking alone searching for you... Can you see my strength and all? My passion and love? Is it too much for you? I can tell you haven't really felt it, it is new to me too...can be scary at times, but I want it all. I am not afraid anymore, when I am with you I know I can handle it all. Whatever I have I want to share with you, build and create more. Notice me who I am now, can you share your fears, wonders and passion with me too? Can you see yourself trough my eyes? I love you a bit more every day and it's like breathing air, do you think I want to stop? Can you feel the same and wake up one day and say " yes this is possible and I need you in my life as well"? Can you hug me like you I do feeling you can't ever let go?
No one belongs more in my heart then you I can assure you that. I don't have to be with you but I want to be us to be together. I am not at all out of your liege, I am here now, but do you want me to stay? I dream of saying to the world- he is the most handsome and he is mine, he is the right one for me and he is mine... I dream of you feeling the same one day...


To want some one in your life I find out is standing by so they all say. To need someone is not true, as we are humans and you need food, water, air and etc. But what if you need someone as much as water and food, air and etc.? I believe is possible as I already prove myself I could sacrifice water and food for someone I needed in my life and that was my family. If I have to stop breathing for someone I care dearly- believe me I would! Wouldn't you do the same?
It is hard to want to be with someone "hanging out" when that someone spends it's time on something else mean while you standing by and wait. You wait for that " just gonna take a second" which turned into an hour or more, to finish and see his face coming trough the door. Your eyes light up and a smile appears on your face, your " standing by" is over finally, but you just find out he is tired, it was too late. 
You standing by for the perfect moment to say " I love you" and when you do you want to be recognized as a believable statement, but you end up keep standing by. You shed tears quietly in bed standing by, and you become a problem being mopey all the time, you keep standing by. Ah, how you wish to touch him and kiss him everywhere, but it is so hard not knowing how he would react. You hear " only happens when I want" and you feel you doing something wrong... Hard man to love is standing by and it hurts at times, but what can you do else? How long would standing by last for you?
It is hard watching others being happy, holding hands, kissing and laughing along the road, happy pictures, you ask yourself, is this possible for me to be the same? Why do you have to even ask! You don't know the answer? 
I am standing by! Watching a hard man playing a video game... I am trying to understand, why is it so important to him and why so many wasted hours on it, when could be something else. You ask yourself is the game better than me? It relaxes him he says, but it's always the same. Is it possible to be addiction? He denies at once! Just like smoking maybe, it relaxes you, and it's sure hard to quit at once. You are so tired, not enough sleep, why play this game for hours? I am standing by, it hurts. Yes call me selfish, I would like to be noticed, more then once a day for two minutes. Yes I like to be close and I like to have space, and I believe I give so much space with this game and everything much more space do you need? Is it better to role play with other people for hours and just for an hour in real life with just one person or two? If you don't have addiction, why can't you give it up for a day or more? Can you stand by and wait to be noticed every day, every time by the one who you care for? It is hard I am telling you, hard man to love... I wonder if I can get use to do that forever? You want to be my friend, ask me what I feel, help me trough emotions, help me understand, tell me how you feel. Don't be upset when I do tell you though that sometimes it's hard for me, it is not easy to standing by. You say we are all different, true, but when you had a bad relationship before and you were doing everything alone, doesn't mean it's gonna be the same with this one. I was standing by all my life so far I've known, I don't want to do that for a lot more now. I am different. How can I even say that when you say there is nothing to talk about it sometimes? How can I make a difference in which world you living now? You call me Hun, you call every other woman Hun... Where are you now?
Talk to me, I am standing by, waiting for you, can't you see...? 

Saturday, September 14, 2013


I do know the fact that I am an actress, but when I am not on the set- it's just me. I do not entertain people, I have my own opinions, so I am sorry if you are one that doesn't want to hear any of mine. I know we often get upset, mad, even extremely angry, but when that happen to me I do not push away the people I care for. I try to sit down and listen, understand, their feelings and thoughts. I try hard to take criticism, other's opinions and advice.  That doesn't mean I will always do what other's say, but I do listen and I do hear every word. One kid will get upset and run into her/his room and slam the door, one adult, however, will sit down across and say "Ok, I am listening" or "Ok, I want to tell you what I think."
It is hard to understand adults these days. We lack of using communication and we often hurt the people around us, the people who love us, the people we care about. If we do not want to listen, we get annoyed, and kick them out of our lives, just because it's much easy not to deal with it at the moment, but later we repeat the same over and over with someone else. 
It hurts a lot to fight for someone who doesn't want to listen and seeks entertainment. I can entertain for so long, but I have my own feelings, emotions and thoughts. I react on other's behavior and it is hard to not be distant when the person in front of you is distant with you. 
We are not perfect, no one is, but I sit down and I want to admit my false, say "I am sorry", and forgive each other. Can you do the same?! When I know you so well, you do not have to show me first how big of a heart you have and how tender and loving you are, and than put a mask on and be defensive, someone totally different with me. It is hard for me already, I see how you straggle, and how much pain you have. You do not have to be a warrior with me, this is not a war between us. I am not a dog either, that you can get rid of so easy when you have a personality conflict with it, I am human being that walks and it's able to talk and listen to you.    
You let me in your house, you met me with your parents, you introduce me to your most precious thing in the world- your child, you let me in your life, and at the same time you want me leave my thoughts, emotions and everything that defines me at your door. You do not want me to say out loud my opinions. You do not want me to be involved in anything concerning your life, you do not want me to know anything. Maybe you should get a doll, they are pretty, and they do not think or talk. You can get them out when you want and put them away or throw them when you want. I didn't walk into your life to make you upset, mad or angry, I care about you, I open my world and arms for you and for everyone in your world. I embrace it with no fear and I care, ah, I care for it...
My understandings for relationship is being together, doing things together, face problems together, solve problems together, learn from each other, talk, feel, think, create together. When you want me to walk out of your house and life and you want to call me when you feel bored, feels not much of a relationship. When you tell me to go away when you are upset and not tell me a word more, is not communication, it is more breaking my heart. When you accuse me of doing wrong all the time when I am trying to do good and not even listen why I did what I did, is hard on me to understand. You can easy disappear for hours, days, no word until you call back and talk like nothing happened. It is hard to understand it, I do not know what is this called. But is hard for me to be a part of you and care, and at the same time, not to raise my voice. 
I do care, I always will, I have a heart, thought is broken every time you push me away. I see the little things, I see how you ignore my wishes, my desires, my thoughts, my feelings. I know is hard to deal with it, but I am a human being and if I wasn't one, I wouldn't feel, care, love you, nor think at all. You can just tell me that you do not look for a relationship, as painful as it will be for me, I will have to walk away and not be a part of you and your world. If you want to tell me how you feel and what do you want- I will be here for you and I will listen, I promise you that! But you have to do the same for me, and not get mad easy... You have to give some thoughts and tell me... See the good in me, not just the bad. It is easy to just look at the bad and "trash" me to another. Does that have any point at all? Try to see me in within and understand my heart, my feelings for you... Please, do try to understand how I care for you and let me be, instead of pushing me away. Try to see I never did you any harm or cheated on you. Please do try to listen and understand. I never told you what to do, nor what is right or what is wrong. See my heart and soul. 
I know you face treats most of your life, but can you see I am not a treat?! Can you see the colors in me and around me, the beauty, the life, can you? Can you let down your guard with me and show me yourself? Do you even want to do that? No one else has to know about it, just to me... Do you want to enjoy life with me and see the goodness and it's beauty? Do you want me to show you some at all? Do you want to be with me? If I am in a relationship, missing you would be my hobby, caring for you would be my job, making you happy would be my duty and loving you - would be my life! Do you want to be in a relationship with me?

I will be here...just let me know.